mao

hello~~ its me again... coughin like mad, but never take me much time to blog this... hohoho, how nice it was to be blogging at a tipsy mode... wah damn, i drink quite abit but i duno y im pretty sober... got 1 cb kia, cant drink ; puke near n then pour drinks over my bermuda... abit ZZzzz, rite? knn, sibei tulan... was fun tonite, not thinkin abt any shyt ; hapi mak mak, hohoho... eh, kuku gary, ann, teo, cp, jeff, thx for the nite, haha, i bet u guys din feel too gd also, wakakkaka.... ok, i go rest liao, tml i need to do 4d.. gdnite, muacks mak mak, CB ann, u knn, joob mi many many times, knn, there will be a pay back time... " Fun Dee... "

" 是我 "

" 是我， 你还好吗? "


我试了，但做不到，我用尽所有的时间 ； 用工作来困顿自己，用香烟来迷幻自己，用酒精来麻
醉自己， 甚至用死亡来威胁自己。。。我用尽办法， 可你依然死死地刻在我心里， 让我再爱你吧。。。

(但我知道你有爱人了)




还记得我们初次见面的地方吗? 我们是曾经彼此相爱， 那是段快乐充满回忆的日子。可爱情是这世界上最坚贞也最不可靠的东西。时间过了， 爱情淡了， 相爱的人也就散了。若是缘尽也硬要牵扯，原本的美好，就会便成结束， 属于变成个你我都困在其中的牢笼， 会无法呼吸， 你舍得看到我不自由吗?



( 其实我明白。。。" 那你自己保重 ； 生病时记得吃药 ； 记得多吃一点，你就是太瘦， 其他的没什么，就是放心不下你的身体。他欺负你记得告诉我。" )

最后， 能让我在吻你一下吗? 爱恨消失前， 用手温暖你的脸， 为了证明我真心爱过你

我要走了，我自己也不知道， 去一个我自己也很陌生的地方。" 记得有人说， 通往心脏的血脉是无命名指上， 我多想在今生， 尽所有， 牢牢地住你的无明指。" 你是个好人， 是个好恋人，是个好女人， 可奈何， 造物弄人， 离开你， 我真的不知道， 是幸福的开始还是终结， 也许你太在意自己的感觉了吧。

真的对不起， 有些事我已经做了， 但不会后悔， 有些承诺， 也只能用下辈子来履行了。 今生，天注定， 我爱的很苦， 但愿来世，我会是个洒脱的诗人。
" 答应我，下辈子别改名字， 那样，我找你容易些。 "

我感觉自己变得很轻，离开了地面， 飘荡在空中， 我飞到她的窗前， 她在， 她竟然在冲着我笑， 她的笑脸依然灿烂美丽， 我挥手， 但她全无感觉。
我踏上奈何桥，手握着那碗孟婆汤， 在就要忘记前世的前时， 我默默的说 : " 好好的活， 在这个空间， 我， 会为你祝福。。。 "

梦会醒， 情会灭
原来时间真的会消磨两个人的激情!
为什么你选择要放手?
为什么你选择离开?
不是说要一辈子在一起的吗?
难道我真得不值得你再为我守候了吗?

g a l s

commonly said, gals are like clothes ; change them daily... but i got some very interesting phrases though ;
gals are like tibits ; when u feel like eating, u take them out ; when u dun, keep them in a container...
gals are like money ; spend them when u have it ; save as much as u can...
gals are like tissues ; make full use of it ; wipe n throw...
gals are like vending machine ; insert money and they are yours...
gals are like working tools ; make use them at the right time, & expend if u haf to...
gals are like public buses ; anyone can wave to get in ; alight anytime...
gals are like stars in the sky ; everyone looks the same ; no one is special...
gals are like cigarettes, smelly but addictive...
gals are like disposable underwears ; change them when they turned sour...
gals are like chewing gums ; spit them away when the sweetness is gone...
gals are like toys ; fun to play with...
gals are like soccer balls ; kick around with your friends...
gals are like bak kut teh ; chew the meat & throw the bone...
gals are like dustbins ; all are the same...
gals are like village bicycles ; anyone feel free to ride...
well... to me, gals are never anything anymore...

Just pretend you pity me

If you ask me how much i love you, Count every piece of sand from the sea,
Each breath that i take... is how much i miss you.
If you asked how painful it would be, if u loved someone else one day...
then try to count every drop of rain ; those are the tears from my heart.
I just want you to know, i just want you to see... before you hurt me more,
because you are the one i have in this world, that's why i can't lose you.
If you want to hit me... go ahead. But please don't walk away from me.
Just pretend that you pity me, Don't punish me by leaving...
You can ask me how often as you'd like... I'm still goning to tell you the same thing.
The sky changes colour everyday, But i will never change my mind.
I just want u to know, i just want you to see... before you hurt me more,
because you are the one i have in this world, that's why i can't lose you.
If you want to hit me... go ahead. But please don't walk away from me.

-18.05.08

隐形

感觉有但它不在 ；看的到但触摸不到 ；拥有过但已完全失去 ； 想占有但已不在可能了。。。一切虽近但真的真的很遥远。。。
人的一生就是这样，原本以为一切十全十美，但终究是个相反。想争取的，你一定得不到 ；不想要的事物 ；却件件的发生。。。你曾经有做过那些令你非常非后悔的事件吧?
好的回忆值得一一回味 ； 但伤心的过去你一定不会忘记。。。回忆终究是回忆 ； 一切已随风而去。。。你是否回想起甚么呢?
我有个很想见的人 ； 但她已 " 不在 " 了。。。
最完美的故事应该就在梦里吧。。。

-27.03.08

numbyy

days passed & passed, another new year starts, u never know when u will start to get tired of things, juz like me... im tired sitting, tired doing the same old shits everyday; tired of games, tired of eating & im even tired of sleeping...
how i missed those times when everyday of my life was packed wif schedules... but now i couldnt even get my hands on those, & i couldnt even make my close ones stay... am i asking for too much or juz let nature take its course? shall i try again or juz let things be wat it was... i really duno wat else can bring me through all these... everything haf to be forgotten ; bygones are bygones...
sadded but always smiling... " in search of the lost time... "

-10.02.08

寂寞

人, 都是孤独一个活在这个世界上, 这点我知道。。。
但是。。。我的孤独, 应该是一种更孤独的孤独吧。。。

-14.03.08

@@

i duno wat got into me... its a " on my own " feeling yet again... its like i get to know lesser & lesser of myself ; lesser & lesser of U...
simi chinese new year ; everyone so happy... look into my eyes, am i? i guess they showed saddness, remorse & great tensions... its like never before, the person u are looking for is not around ; the happy-go-lucky zEnny is not here anymore...

-05.02.08

prison break

the same old damn mood swing again ; bored, lonely... lazy to bath ; lazy to eat ; lazy to talk to anyone... simply juz like a prisoner at home...
still dun understand wat faith im holding... work screwed ; limited entertainment, wat is there left for me to do... eat, sleep, games, dvds, wat else? feeling like shit right now, fantasizing about the pasts... would it be better if im blind? or rather if i lost all my past memories?

-18.12.07

UpsDowns

its never easy to come this far... everything seems so natural now... another year coming up, been asking myself if im living for the better... why did i strive to build bonds between people? yet leechers & betrayers come in... why did i ask so much about $? yet I'm not even making the best outta every cent...why didnt i juz relax n let time pass? or rather juz end my life, everything could haf reached a stop... be in heaven or in hell ; would it be another new life, total strangers to me?
i always feel there is reasons for me to do things that im doing now... like wat GOD wants me to be wat i am now... but wat really lies behind the definition of everything?
" i know time wun go back to where it was, so i try to make up for the lost time, to all my love ones ; to those whom haf been visible around me yet unnoticeable... " i wanna make people around me happy & if u think u already were, i wanna make U happier... coz i know i really haf not much time left & i hope occasionally, i will be thought of, tats all im asking...
well, but sometimes in life we dun even deserve a second chance... a mistake made once will be engraved deeply & no matter how hard u tried, it will never be erased... i guess i should be categorise here ba... coz no one gonna believe & trust me anymore ; like a leopard never change its spots, for i think i haf told the biggest n baddest lie in this world...
anyway, im looking forward to year'09, hope its another motivating year for me...
May the LORD answer you when you are in distress ; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
(Psalm 20) this is wat i feel the GOD is telling me right now...

-04.02.08

?_?

Hello!~
干嘛?又心情不好了啊?
No, actually im feeling happy today...

那就告诉我为甚么心情那么好吧。
Tonite was unusual, i went Orchard Tower, unlike being bored at home, gaming & gaming...

好啊，那有甚么收货呢?
In fact, nothing much... the sence was wat i expected it to be... but i recaptured some of the moments when i can walk & dance to the music some years back... haiz...

干嘛呢?又情绪化了呀?
Nah, im fine, frankly speaking, im happy that they forced me to go, at least i know i have the courage to make the first step to be out there... im going to St James one day i tell u...

很好很好，那就对了嘛。过去让它过去，别老时把事物想象成那么遭，尽敢往前大踏一步，或许一切会如愿以偿。
Maybe u r rite... i shall try again... but i still find something amiss leh...

那甚么东西不见了呢?
aiya, i also duno la, if i know i also wun be here liao la... tok some other times ba, hope i dun see u soon, im gonna sleep now...

唯!你又干嘛呢?
Zzzz...Zzzz...Zzzz...

27th

喜怒哀乐，酸甜苦辣。。。
我相信我人生已经一一尝试过了，相信收获的许多，失去的更多。。。至到如今一直自问自己，接下来的遭遇又是如何。。。
昨天是我的生日，很庆幸的是还有许多好友记得，一一发短信，有的还到家为我庆祝 ； 送礼物，谢谢你们! 时间匆匆不留人，转眼间，以是我第二年坐下来庆祝了。 说着说着，眼泪也不受控制留了下来。。。接下来，过了圣诞节又要面对农历新年这几个大日子，好闷好闷。
生日愿望 : 我希望我身边每一个人都和我一样开心 ； 有你们就会有我。。。再次谢谢你们!

Rain

Recently so many things haf happened ; feeling lost again but was picked up... shagginess even after long rest, sadness after laughters, betrayal for their own gains... wat else? life is indeed unexpecting... i guess this morning, the rain inspire mi to blog after so long...
was a cooling weather ; n i guess all those who haf to wake up early in the morning to work surely haf the urge to get back to their cozy beds... but im different ; i wasnt really gaming all the while, in fact was enjoying the breeze & coldness throughout the lonely nite... i dun wish to sleep, i dun wan any dreams, perhaps i was afraid, or maybe i was really tired, really really sick, sick of living anymore... reluctant to open my eyes to face another sunshine ; was bored doing the same old shits everyday... i dun wish to see another tomorrow... right now i can feel my eye lips getting heavier but struggled on... wat am i trying to do? life is a letdown...

-30.10.07

=)

Nothing big really happened... nbz, recently had a great fall while sleeping on my chair, damn it... but was encouraged " its only a stoppage in yr life ; one day, u will get up yourself... " thx, peeps...
wat im going through right now seems like yesterday ; trip, fall n stand up again & again & again... was wondering how much such things gonna repeat itself... sometimes feeling devastated yet determined to try all over again... pondering over wats the true meaning of all those mishaps & misfortune... will there be rainbow after the rain? some say life is like a bed of roses but i simply cant find satisfactions & directions right now... can contentment really ease all those temptations in life? then why are humans so greedy? thinking back, where are those who can lend a helping hand? why are humans so selfish & self-centred?
i was constantly reminding myself ; not to trust anyone easily... " your best friend could be your worst enemy... " im beginning to sense some defects in friendship ; bonds are breaking apart... sad but wat can i do... haizzz...

-19.09.07

Misses

once again i miss u, bro.. feeling i haf so much to share wif u... was wondering how fun it will be if u join mi at kbox... take care inside... im waiting for u...

-07.09.07

sgh

admitted coz of bad sores...
i love my nurses & i know my nurses love me too ; haha, they allowed me to smoke in the ward...

-01.09.07

??

i was tired all out of a sudden, but unexpectedly i was awaken by some unknown feelings in my mind... my nurses asked if it was fear, i knew it was not... was it grief tat my frenz passed away this morning in a traffic accident? i duno exactly wat happened but i feel a sense of loss ; i feel tat i missed out a lot in my life... its not regrets i know... but wat was actually install for me at the end of the day?

-29.08.07

21st Aug

From today onwards... everything shall change...
cousin, im very sad & disappointing today... i start missing u even for the 1st day... u always be here to bring me out when im bored, when im feeling down ; i miss our conversations... i know its hard in there & i shall share yr hardships outside here with u... awaiting 19th Nov...

-21.08.07

i, myself & me

i felt so different at first but my frenz say im unique, im special... so im trying to be the same but i guess i couldn't be... i know i have no right to choose ; but i think i am what i am ; perharps i change physically... im sad... dun lift me up & throw me down ; its painful... but i'll carry on & i believe im always " on my own... " tough but determined... if u dun feel worthwhile ; ur simply worthless...

-28.08.07

Kbox

11th Aug, finally i boost up my courage to meet up with dota friends after like few months of dota-ing with them ; it wasnt easy coz there were like a few of them, well.. i made it... im glad they haf like their fun singing, drinking n carrying the Hero corpse (SOMEGAY) around the kbox... anyway, this Zero is on banlist... thx to those who attended this outing...

-12.08.07

bread

so hungry at this point of time, i went out to the kitchen, hunting for some food... lazy to cook, i found some breads lying on the table... searching high & low for something to go with ; i remembered there is some hams left, duno where it has been placed... i looked at the frozen hotdogs & fillets, thinking of frying them... couldnt hold the wok well so i decided maybe i should drop this idea & try get some jams butter instead... well, its only chilli & ketchup i saw in the fridge... but i saw condensed milk but eeeek, i dun like milk... forget it~~
how nice if carol is awake at this point of time to cook me something, i was wondering...
thinking back the times when i used to cook for myself at night, somehow or rather i find myself so useless... its like i never been able to do anything like that again... i pity myself...
feeling depressed n down, i wheeled off with only a plain slice of bread in my mouth... i guess its just enough to ease my hunger...
" everyday feels the same for me... i sleep for the sake of resting ; i eat for the sake of eating... i cant even feel that im tired or hungry... im just like a living zombie... "

-03.06.07

love

how do love exists? how many got married? how many of u all out there still remember how u pick up your present gf? im sure all of u can recall after some recollecting... but how did things in between goes? how do the love build up ; how do things end? till now, how many cherished their relationships ; how many still fool around? anyone misses the pasts? how about let's treasure wat we have now...
congrats to my bro, alex & jasmine, being his 1st relationship i know, i hope everything goes well for him... u have my blessings, bro...
recently, there have been many love cases forwarded to me, shall i say all their problems have been all around me & that i was ignorant about them? well... im like a consultant to them now... names not gonna be mentioned, i got frenz who stayed together because of companionship ; another worrying about wats gonna happen this weekend... some even asked how to woo gals, lols... on the other side, i got 2 frenz, both getting married on 2nd June' 07 ; another engagement getting on around Sept... & got another couple planning their marriage 2 years later... *envious*
some say i have found it... seriously, i cant foresee my love... i cant even see myself down the road even for another year... i duno wats gonna happen to me... it seems like afterall, im gonna be left all alone in this world... i guess it should be scary being abandoned... wouldnt it be better if i just died in that accident, i will be alone anyway...
" those who cant stay. let them fly ; let only the sweet memory remains... "

-29.05.07

SHE

this is a special page for this special person in my life, who told me she has never stop missing me, who never stop giving up on me...
seriously, wat is love? how many people seen true love? how many of u been through it? there is this special gal in my life whom i never stop thinking of since she visited me the first time in the hospital... we din tok much, din really exchange glances cos im afraid... yes, i hurt her too much, times & again ; i was a selfish bastard... nothing can make up for wat she has lost, the time she has wasted on me... despite what i am now, i cant imagine she is still encouraging me, still moving me on in my life... i wonder sometimes ; do things like that happened to me so that she will come back again... or is it karma ; is she back to laugh at me? sometimes i feel that things really happened for a reason... wat comes around goes around ; u might haf gained something but instantly u will lose something... this is how the world works i guess...
to be frank, after wat happened to me, there is no one who really spend their time on me, not to say my dearest kins whom i dote on, my closest frenz whom we usually hang around with, practically, there is no one... i was kinda sad & disappointed till she reappeared in my life again... i couldn't feel her when she was around with me in the past... now when she say she will be visiting me, i was always soooo looking forward for her arrival... i like her to buy me food & eat together, i like to watch dvds with her, i like to do everything wif her, even merely chatting... i guess there are nothing much i should ask for anymore ; i haf met my contentment... thx for spending yr precious time with me ; thanks for making me on cloud nines everytime ; thanks for gifing me a chance to befriend u once again... i understand there is a limitation to everything, let's hold our limit, till one day GOD will rule whether im worthy of yr love again...

ning, thanks for being such wonderful may it be love or out of pity, u are really appreciated... i love u~~

-20.04.07

Feeling Different

things will get so different when i wake up tomorrow... its gonna be another stage of my handicapped life...
tml i will need to go for an operation... this op is gonna change my life ; its gonna make lots of people look at me, definitely...
my right leg haf been swelling for some months, for those frenz who noticed it... GOD damn, the swelling is not going down... blood clotting & there's no way to make it look better... there is only a way out ; doctor wants my leg to be amputated... im not sad or wat, coz i noe i brought everything upon myself ; i deserved wats happening to me now... so people out there, dun feel anything for me... just hoping u guys wun start despising me the next time u see me... anyway, i think i will not be meeting anyone of u all... if u people are trying to put yourself in my shoe now, i guess its really impossible for u all to understand how are things gonna be for me in my later part of my life... well, i myself cant imagine it too, perhaps some time down the road, i might juz end my life and pass on my life to GOD which i think it might be an easier way out... dun be sad when im gone... will surely bless and misses those who even bypass my life... and im sure Zenn's beautiful memory surely lies in u all... anyway, i love those who try to understand me, who is still willing to stand by me, especially those who read my blog... i simply love all of u, <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">xie2 ni men
u know why i love u people?? coz u guys are simple too cute, i really love all of u!!! Happy April's Fool... haha...
why?? i noe it's over... forget la, cannot meh? birthday can belated, april's fool cannot belated ar?? boooo...

-03.04.07

Am i drunk

cant rem when was the last time i was drunk...
drinking haf always been my satisfactory thing in my life coz i can drink alot, & i enjoy seeing those who cant drink DRUNK... tonite, i went drinking wif my cousin, tianlai, ben & a few of his frenz... i was pretty hapi coz in another corner of my life, i knew there is someone who is as happy as me; yes its U...
sometimes i feel i think too highly of myself, indeed i did... i myself get pretty high but i din stop to jio other people to drink... hahaha, every1 was drunk, i guess... tonite was pretty fun, i love those who haf been around wif mi ; i love those who drink wif me... XIE2...
drinking haf been so much fun ; so much joy, wif whoever around... but tonite, i sense " worriness... " sweet memories flow in ; sadness popped out... i was unhappy ; i was waiting for yr sms throughout the nite... i've been thinking, " where were u? " " are u alrite? " i kept denying tat i was thinking of u all nite... i felt loneliness ; i felt lost all nite... but i was laughing all nite thinking to myself, " who am i to think of u?? " " who am i to really miss u?? " HAHAHA!!~~ i sent a prayer to GOD instantly, i make sure u r fine, thanks GOD, Amen~~
love has got wat it takes ; love has got wat it should be... i thank GOD for the strength & power HE has given me, to keep me alive ; to understand LOVE & to forgive wat i've done... perhaps i think too much, thank GOD again for the peace u haf set upon me...

-02.04.07

LIFE

we all understand, life is full of ups & downs... some people haf simple expectations ; just wanna be happy everyday... some people seek higher heights ; wanna be somebody, wanna be richer... but well, usually we dun get wat we expected things to be ; thus wat we dun want exactly happened... seriously, how many people get wat they wanted? how many really live their life meaningfully? the world is fair, u might haf achieved wat u wanted but somehow u will lost something which u din realise... for me, i think i will never dare to expect wat i wanna haf anymore but to be frank, i think i led a meaningful life... i once achieved wat i wanted but i lost them all in a moment of folly... well, humans only know how to treasure things when they are gone, sad case... for wat im speaking now, i guess its the GOD's message to tell u all to cherish wat u all haf got now... wat u haf today, u might not haf tomorrow... if u feel u are poor ; money dun hold the world... if u feel betrayed, love everyone like u haf never love before though they might haf back-stabbed u before... let love filled the air, by then u will understand wat true life is all about... enjoy wat u haf now coz life is just a journey, make this trip a fruitful one... love all of u who read this~~
today, i specially miss someone whom i never expected i will miss so badly again... its has been a long time since i ever feel this way, was a good feeling sometimes though... might just be a short smoking session, u will never feel & understand my remorse and regrets... time wun come back but i'll love u always~~
poor ME, in search of the impossible time machine...

-22.02.07

Moving On

i cant really remember when was the last time i had a tight sleep... i cant forget this dream of romance, well, not wet dream i had the day before... opening my eyes & to realise everything was nothing but another mistake of my life...
January, 2001, i finally ORD after being " tortured " in 1SIR... at that point of time, i just wanna make more money to make ends meet coz my beloved mum had a bad stroke... immediately, straight after army, i turned illegally ; i was a loanshark, so-called " ah-long's ", runner... work arent simple but i managed to make my first 10k in my early twenties ; since then my life changed... i begun thinking about working smart instead of working hard, constantly reminding myself, " dun slog like a bull, use yr brains & money comes in easy, dammit..." of course, down the roads, many things happened, trivals, majors, i cant remember it all... but no matter how bad things become, she was always by my side, supporting & encouraging... i promised her i will marry her when i earned my 1st 50k... but nothing goes so perfectly well...
blinded by temptations again & again... finally things happened, we end our 7years+ relationship at her workplace's carpark ; this was a sence i would never forget all my life, especially the deep lost feeling inside me ; i know i would never have this feeling ever again ; its all over...
i was drowned in alcoholic since then, i never stop drinking & drinking... total spending was about 28k if i didnt remember wrongly... & i finally woke up when i was left with only 1k in my pocket... thinking back, its was like yesterday when things happened... the deep remorseful feeling is still here with me, uneraseable, unforgettable...
to be continued...

-09.03.07

CNY

it wasnt too difficult to get pass the 1st day of lunar chinese new year... actually was supposed to be a gathering at my aihua jie's house as well as a house warming... glad i wasnt there coz my ah ma say there was such a big crowd that maybe i wouldnt even haf a place for my poor wheelchair... =)
woke up late at 3pm +, which is unusal for someone to be sleeping on this big day... the house was empty then, haf a smoke as usual then help myself to a slow bath... as soon as im done, alex delivered the food for me... was somethin different from normal & i pretty open up my appetite... soon haf my kampong frenz to come up to visit me... i knew they were bored, but im sorry guys, i duno wat i can do to cheer u all up... but i greatly appreciated the tots for visiting me, thanks alot~~
as usual couldnt get to sleep, so help myself to a cup of nissin noodles, and hopefully after i eaten, sweet dreams flow in...
Thanks God for taking away my fever, for allowing me to experience CNY back at home rather than in the hospital... *still hafin FAITH*

-18.02.07

CNY day2

did purposely sleep & sleep, wanting to wake up only when all my relatives went back... many walked in & out of the room asking what time i will be waking up... there was no other alternatives, forcing to wake up like 1930hrs... the house was already packed with all of them + those regular gamblers made up of ben's frenz... soon after, i bathed, i had my dinner, stil thinking how am i going to face the huge crowd... glad that all of them still approached me & greeted me gong xi fa cai, =)... soon after, i dressed up and was on my way to dajie's house, thanks to stephanie & sherwin for forcing me there, if not i really wouldnt noe how to face the people back at home... not too bad there, we played blackjack as usual, then mahjong... its not about winning each others' money, its the joys im after that nite, party ended about 430hrs, & thanks to jason for sending us all home... though i cant get up & jump around with them, this lunar day 2 is definitely better than of last year...
well, i saw my mum, happily gambling away, & i was happy that she enjoyed herself throughout the nite... " mummy, " xin nian kuai ler..."

-19-02-07

revival

was back from another medical appointment @ sgh ; sad to say, i needed another operation from the bad sore on my back... doc say i might need another 3 weeks in the hospital... *sigh* HEY, thanks to yongteck & kieth for the trouble to accompany me there... xie2
pretty restless but still in a pretty good mood though i din sleep well trying to solve the " unbelievable " SODUKU wif xiaoyun... anyway, xiaoyun is my maple buddy, be honoured u are in my blog, =D
its has been some times since i last saw so many people in my house coz i was always sleeping ; trying to hide myself in the total darkness when i closed my eyes... was happy to see " ah pootz" today, she is growing, cuter as day goes by...
wanting to catch a wink earlier but the dota game is so addictive...
wasnt really too irritated by my sis coz she kept asking me to eat this & that, popping me with questions & questions... till she showed mi a video clip she took of my mum back @ home... my mood suddenly swinged & i threw her outta the room... memories flow in... i was sad & yes i cried, i miss my mum very much~ on the other hand, i being like that, i duno how to face her everytime she visited me... im a total failure... i guessed this life, i let the whole world down again... when can i be back home again??
i just cant stop my fucking tears till now...
horoscope says " Sagittarius loves freedom ", indeed its true, but i can only be as free as a bird at home...

-09.02.07

hatred

i hated my life...

-30.01.07

2007

Welcome, 2007...
was a different countdown at bishan beer garden this year for the new year...
thanks to keith n gibson for pushing me down all the way to the beer garden... and thanks to many people who came late, but were here with me on this special day... they are heng & adeline, alex (my dearest bro), kieth & cindy, yongteck, benny, chubing, vincent & victoria, junxing, jeremy, darren, weilong, ivan... din expect such a big crowd actually... did i miss out anyone??
as usual, i help myself to the drinks, was a great nite though i can only sit there to enjoy my favourite R&B songs... & i can only play pool wif gibson wif only 1 hand, " Sux ", i lost the game... BOOOoo...
at this point when i feel different, i also feel that everyone is growing up ; every one of them haf their own dreams... im happy coz i treat everyone of them like my own brothers ; & its like im watching all of them growing up... & im glad that everyone of them still respected me though im in this state now... thanks alot~
everything was going on fine until a little argument broke up against the other group of indians sitting across us... i feel kinda useless coz im of no help... but thanks GOD no fights broke out & no one was hurt... credits to those who try cleared up the misunderstandings...
anyway, new year new resolutions... i juz wanna be happy n strong no matter wat my outcome will be, i just want family & frens around me to be happier, healthier... & do rem me when im gone...

-03.01.07

Endless

i finally feel that im leading a different kind of life now, things happened & all of us are growing, trying to adapt to all different things which seems so familiar to me in this world... well, some said " life's just a journey, " but im still pondering over why my life is still this hard... its real tough but im happy that i got some really good frenz & family members all around mi... im feelin lost sometimes ; i do things which i haf never done, & i stop all things which i used to do... wat i see isn't wat i saw, wat i haf ; im afraid i might not haf it tomorrow... i haf lost the love of my life, i haf tasted the toughest life of my own... wat exactly GOD needs me to do? wats my purpose in life? am i still living in the past? or shall i move on ahead? wat happened after death? so wat if i move on?
Release me, END MY JOURNEY, GOD, BRING me wif U... though i haf lived through the sweetest days, i still find relationship a waste of time, perhaps we should just haf some memories instead... DO remember me...
Lookin forward to Valentine's Day... >> Hatred

-23.01.07

X'mas

hi, Merry X'mas to everyone...
din really go for celebration actually, coz i think all my frenz are too busy that they might haf forgotten abt mi... this year was special, i celebrate wif alot of people in my games, we count down together... =)
surely i missed my last year x'mas with all my frenz, now im gonna miss new year celebration again... in fact, im not sad, im happy as long as everyone around me is...
this year i din see a single x'mas tree in sight, pretty sad, but i hope i can make it till next year... thanks to a little singing opera just opposite my house, it makes me feel like its a special day...
& a special congrats to Kelvin & wife who get married on the eve... i saw u both on tv!!!~~~ jiayou!
hope everybody haf their dreams come true this special season... i will haf mine come true soon...
THANKS MUM & SISTER FOR MAKING ME MY FAVOURITE SPAGHETTI, FRIED DRUM STICKS & BOH BOH CHAR CHAR... & the short testi my Alex haf written me... was the best gifts i haf for x'mas i think...
Awaiting New Year 2007...

-25.12.06

Again ; & Again...

Right now, i need someone to talk to ; to be by my side...
i wanna go somewhere i duno...
im tired of my life... how long more things haf to go on ; i'm wondering... can i haf some reactions??

-27.10.06

birthdae

its has been some times since i last blog...
Happy Birthday~~
Indeed, this year haf been a special year for me... u dun see running lights around, chivas, martell, everywhere asking u to " TA TA, BO TA BO LAN PA... " of course, i hope that every year haf been the same...
Firstly, wanna thx my aunties, uncles, my cousins & my ah ma who insisted on getting a cake for me... beside tat, they cooked delicious home dishes which i have not eaten for a very long time... & thx to all my bros who organised a " marina south, bbq buffet " for me... im sorry that i have to leave early ; sad to say, im not like last time, physically my body cannot take it... & im surprised to see tingli's family there, thx for the blessing angbao...
in fact, did prepare a speech to tell everyone how fortunate i have being with them around.. but.time was running short & some of them haf to leave early as well...
anyway, i thought i will be alone on my big day but thx to all this wonderful people in my life...
" because of u terrific people, though its painful ; i will walk abit more... "
People at marina :
willie, justin, keith & gf, heng & adeline, gary & ruiping, fangjie, dajie & bryan, grace, & all my lovely presents...

-03.12.06

Mid_Autumm

happy mooncake festival...
as usual... i made my way to bishan park; a place where i never missed out on this day... firstly, i wanna thx my si-gu, my dear cousin ben, for forcing mi to go... i guess its fated for my com to break down at this dae for mi to go out to realise some of the things on this special dae...
was only a 5-8mins walk from my house to bishan park but this time, we took 15-20mins... its was a long way down... i almost fall on the road BUT even if i do, i feel its still worth the trip down to this lovely park...
the atmosphere was great, as usual, kids shouting n lanterns on trees, fire everywhere; smoke everywhere... & i did see a few other people like me which i never notice in the past... was i blind in the past? this special year, was the only year which i din even touch a spark wif the crowds... how i wish i was the one picking up dried leaves & branches to get the fire burning... how i wish i was the one getting opposite the petrol station to buy drinks... yes, it was a totally different feel; its was a feel of joys & sadness... a type of special feel all pple around me would not understand... memories of this special day flow in...
" GOD, i really miss the times when i can walk... "
now i lost the feeling totally... i duno even know how it is like to squat down; how painful is an ant's bite to my toes... NO, i did not shed any tears todae, coz it was really a joyous occassion; no one should share my sorrow...
These are the people around to help me : si-gu, benji, kenneth, christine & binghui, pearline, cousin tianlai wif baby, Faith, san-gu & jeremy & ah mei...
U PEOPLE ARE REALLY GREAT!~
& i wanna thank er-gu for bringing me the mooncake...
the moon this year still as round; the people this year still as they are; only a special me... Give me a hug , someone...
ben, thank for the invitation to yr bbq, i dun wanna be a burden for u guys to bring mi here & there, i wan U haf a great time wif yr frenz... thank for bringin me the bbq food... its was really appreciated, thank to u, kenneth too...

-07.10.06

Thanks

i brought out my courage, i attended Stephanie's birthday party at ntuc chalet... was pretty worried how things will go ; how people would look at me... dun wanna be the limelight of the crowd...
thanks to heng for his persuasion & efforts again to drive me down... i saw many people there, some whom i din even see after like few years... some whom i tot i juz saw them like yesterday during my clubbing nites... every1 was concern about mi but i guess they din talk much coz they din noe wat to say to make me feel better... thoughts was really appreciated, frenz... i cant say i really enjoyed myself but im really hapi that i plucked myself from my room and went to such a celebration after copin myself in the room after half a year ; was the furthest place i went since i was discharged from the hospital... i really wanna thank all the people who bring me joys for the nite, even juz a short conversation to ease my tension for the nite... u guys are great!!! xie2~~
Happy Birthdae, Stephaine... May all yr wishes come true!!~
Wedding bells ringing soon??

-01.10.06

Upon Myself

yes, i didn't treasure my life after what had happened in my family... im a total letdown... i'm sorry that i troubled all my friends to bring me around for SGH appointments & treatments... & even the slightest things to buy food for me, etc... can't even wash my own plates or pour my own drinks... im a burden to everyone... i can't even have a proper mahjong session with my uncles & aunties... i made everyone worried, i made everyone sad...
yes i cried... in the darkest night in my room... when i was alone in the bathroom... well well... what can be helped?? i can only depend on myself... i have to be independent... how life will be if things can turn back?? but i know time machine don't appear in realistic life... there shouldnt be any regrets, i brought things upon myself... i deserved what's happening... so who will be around to share what im going through?? ANS : NO ONE...
im glad family & relatives still stand by me, thanks to all my friends and brothers who motivated my life even by just a simple sms, call or even just a friendster testi... for awhile, i just hope u guys be around till i get independent... please be patient with me for another while, i will do what i ought to do... thanks alots!~~

-12.09.06

Let's get started...

i duno where to begin...
im finally back home after 114days of vacation... can i say its so nice to be back home?? so much attention on me the moment i got home... all my relatives & frenz were all around me... i can feel the care & concern i never feel before all my life... there are people to help me carry my luggages, take off my shoes & socks... do i sound like an king?? furthermore, there are nice food ; new modifications in the home ; new bed ; tv & com in the room... wats more, there is a new car as a gift from the hospital... yes, its a wheelchair...
16/03/06, 08:42, 67061172780...
officially admission timing into SGH... i was involved in a terrible accident at Hill St... i collided into a taxi...
U are the 1st one i've thought of...
I been missing U all this while...
I'm wondering where U when i needed U...
This is a sad ending...
i injured my spine... i din noe how long later i was operated, i was in a totally helpless condition for days... soon after operation, i was in ICU... was in ward 76 for 3 weeks & soon transfer to ward 64, the rehabilation ward...
this is the ward where u find the best group of nurses in the whole of singapore...
<xiaoyu_goldfish> juz look at her eyes, u will know she is the committed type who work long hours ; not sleeping...
<minto_peter> sisterly like...
great to haf u to talk to...
walking radio, this gal is really crazy... she is a motivation in the morning...
<sandra_bastos> she can make nice Milo...
u'll be safe with her around in rehab 64...
juz look at her smile, doesn't she cheeEer u up enough??
if only she was my mum...
always helpful, IV of rehab 64...
she's on light-duty till she give brith ; dun dare bully her...
principal of ward 64...
juz like my personal PT, thank for yr motivative words, rem it forever...
my super-duper-ON PT assistant ; u know wat i mean, heehee... thank for the massage days...

Yes, I'm back

still adapting...

-09.07.06

every 8TH MARCH

Same day... Different year...
2003... was creating a sence at MFSS, wanted by the police... was hiding for about a year before i was caught... its not something im proud of.. but since i remember this date.. i wanna thank Keith, for allowing me to take refugee over at his house for a month+, despite the nagging from his monstress mum... THANKS alots... =)
2004... car accident... was drunk driving, & hit myself onto the curb at Mount Pleasant Road... poor Gf & Keith had brusies & sprains all over... im really SORRY about that...
2005... LOL... i cannot remember wat happen on this year... i guess nothing happened...
2006... Vanessa's BIRD DAY... was a raving nite once again at momo... everything was rite... except something stunning happened again... hahaha.. there was a clown at the party.. & guess wat, it was me again... dun mention it ba... to the person involved ; dun treat me like an idiot... i feel i was being make use again... hohoho.. stupid zenn...
2007... not here yet...expected a sadder thing to happen... hmmm, SOMEONE make it true pls...
2008... FROM THIS YEAR, ALL 8TH MARCH SHALL BE A HAPPY DAY!!!

-09.03.06

Arghhh

say im lonely but im not...

say im happy but im not...

say im bothered but im not...

say i believed but i dun... NOT AT ALL!!!~~~
" I LOST THE THING IM NOT SUPPOSED TO LOSE... I THINK ITS FATED ; ITS ALL OVER... THANKS FOR THE HINT, GOD... " " LEAF CLOVER KEYCHAIN LOST FOREVER... "

-26.02.06

ALONE

23/02/06, alex's POP day...
made myself wif keith to his camp at changi, as usual was late again ; i lost my way... the whole thing was fun & i'm glad i din miss his performance... at that point of time.. i really feel he had grown up... he is no longer the little alex i once used to beat up n scream at anymore...
outta sudden, i feel lonely... i juz feel that i haf no one to share my joys wif... i took out my fone n search through all my fone list... & surprisingly, there is really not a single person i can call to share my happiness... i felt pathetic for awhile, i duno who & how to talk to anyone about my feels... i went off alone in the corner to take a deep breathe, i wanna stop wat im thinking at the moment of time...
for some reason, i feel that i haf so many things to tell ; so many things to release... so my mind will be at ease... i wanted so much to talk to her... so many things to tell... but i refrained myself again... i felt i needed a shoulder to lean on ; i hugged keith for 2secs... yes, its alittle gay, i juz cant control... i thought my tears will start rolling down again... i really breathe hard that time ; i dun wan pple around me to laugh at mi ; i dun wan them to worry about me... somehow or rather, i felt im useless, i felt im so ALONE in this world... can someone hear mi out?? i will be grateful... thank...

-20.02.06

Exact

There's a special place in my heart that only you can touch -a place where I can go and feel you near. Throughout the day I think of you. I see your smile, hear your voice and in my thoughts you lovingly appear. The way we love each other makes it hard to be apart so when I can't hold you in my arms, I hold you in my heart...


Love U Always,


-15.02.06

HVD

crazy for awhile...
Happy Valentine's Day to all...
Specially to : cc & pp, gg & amelia, kk & cancan,
heng & gf(duno wat name), boon & clarissa,
tintin & nikki, sherwin & stephanie, willy & seren,
liang-gou & gf(duno wat name), alex & fionfion,
jason & gracey mooOo, troy & gf(duno wat name)
carol & whywhy tell me why
jay & gf(d-w-n again), max & justina,
ger & ah gu, ding dong Bell & kas
ann & chris, marvz & vallena
AND TO ALL THE LONELY PEEPS OUT THERE... GET A VALENTINE ON THIS SPECIAL DAY... CHEERIOS~~ Happy birthdae to u, TROY...

-12.02.06

wei. wei...

i know u are not feelin good, bro... same as i feel... i din grumble ; i din complain... i juz want people around me to be happy... are u happy?? stay the way as u are ... u'll be fine ; u'll be like me... nitez... i'm drunk liao... thx for staying around wif mi, Goodnitez...
stay away from mi... thank alot... yam sayyyyy...

-08.02.06

Drunk

where u when i needed u most??
Ah Gal talk to mi... my frenz tot im fine : i tot im fine too... but i noe im not fine at all... nevertheless, i wish u forever bliss & happiness...
i'll get well again...
thx Gary for being wif me all this while.. to share wat i duno how to relate to anyone else... thank u so much... treasure wat u haf... Forever happiness for u n Amelia...
" gu dan de ye li wo bu gu dan... ai guo jiu mei you yi han..."
nitez peeps... thx for the others who tried to be around... thank so much...


-07.02.06

Feels

well, well.. its not an good year for me... nothin went rite... woOooOo, nice surprise i've got on the 2nd dae of lunar Chinese New Year... astonishing surprising... anyway, its all over... lied all u want, bitch, haha... juz dun fucking treat mi like an idiotic fool... same phrase goes... " if FUN is all u're after ; pls FUCK off coz im not FUNNY ; im not a clown, wakakaka..."
hmmm, its time to stand up again... i see wat i dun see... & i realised wat i never used to noe... kinda sad ; but i noe its a " release " for mi ; i've got my freedom back ; i dun haf to get sleepless nites & keeps all my worries alone anymore... thanks people out there for being wif mi when i needed someone to tok to... dun worry frenz out there, im fucking fine, im really fuckin fine...

-31.01.06

CNY

was a special CNY... ah heng, no gf for like a decade since childhood finally found himself a companionship, " hurray "... & seeing sherwin getting on wif his new relationship; really happy for him... gary wif amelia, boon wif clarissa too, even my cousin, ah liang, also bring his gf ; surprising... its really nice to see all my kampong frenz wif their gfs... time really flies... its 2006...
wat really spice up the mood is my er gu's birthday i think... all was gathered around, birthday song sung so loud & there were like lots of photos taking sessions throughout... real joys & happiness... at tat point of time, i start to look around ; where is mine?? " Where's your gf?? Where's your gf?? " everyone keep asking... well, i dun even know whether i've a gf ; i wasnt even invited to anything... i feel so left out ; unfairly treated... everyone's gfs was around, but where are u?? anyway, its a special year for me... its gonna be remembered...

-29.01.06

Disappointment

its 23/01/06, special day... i guess i missed another important opportunity to cheer her up & make things better again... was wat i done appreciated?? & was wat i didn't do always remembered?? i cant think too well now... disappointed... i think only alcohol, lots of alcohol can make me sleep and stop thinking so much... everything keeps coming & coming... seriously, im alittle tired mentally ; physically exhausted... can someone help me out??
-to be continued

-23.01.06

Trip To JB

Its was something different from a usual clubbing nite... i made my trip to JB on my bike for the 2nd time... but this time was wif her... & my kampong mates... we went in straight after midnite, a real cooling nite... * wooosh... *
Soon upon reaching.. we settled down for a hearty meal, costing abt 95Rm in a small coffeeshop.. i think we ordered almost all the different variety at the coffeeshop & guess wat, we finished all of it... <<< all big eaters... straight after supper, everyone was laughing their heart out... hmmm, i din noe Jason can tell jokes so well, buay tahan him... *Cheerio*
" was hoping everydae was like todae... "

-01.05.06

Once Again- Lost

i know things are real different... i cant think & do things the ways i wanted myself to... i duno why... i cant understand wat im trying to do... i dun mean how things haf become... im trying to change... why just i cant??
shall i move on... shall i quit?? lost my direction totally...
wats rite? wats wrong? can someone tell me? can someone be my guide?
will u hold my hand to the end? or will things end the way we dun want it to be?
im " controlled... " by something... by something unknown, which i cant see with my visible eyes... strongly i can sense it all around me... i need to catch some breath ; i cant reach it... i wanna let it go ; but i cant... why? why? wats the element?? where is it?? can u stop torturing me?? pls let me go...
" I Cant Take It Anymore... "

-01.03.06

Lost

7.11am, 1-1-2006, 1st day of a new year...
on this special morning... i feel lost for awhile... i feel i needed someone who understand me to talk to...
i and her chatted for like a couple of hours... quiet atmosphere, in a half-drunken mode, we tok abt everythin tat goes wrong in our relationship... thinking back, i was juz like an ordinary guy, who is in search of the " lost love... " was totally devastated & disappointed in myself... i duno how im gonna face her again... i din realised things got into such a bad situation.. my care & concern ; my possession causes her depressions... i knew things arent gonna be the same anymore... & i guess its really time for me to let go slowly... truthfully, i envy " true love " ; i envy all those in love... however things are gonna turn out to be... im not sad, in fact im proud of myself... i've done my part ; i've tried my best ; im proud of myself... i haf given my 100%...
" 2 days, 2 phrases, im totally shattered... " Happy New Year!!

-31.12.05