we all understand, life is full of ups & downs... some people haf simple expectations ; just wanna be happy everyday... some people seek higher heights ; wanna be somebody, wanna be richer... but well, usually we dun get wat we expected things to be ; thus wat we dun want exactly happened... seriously, how many people get wat they wanted? how many really live their life meaningfully? the world is fair, u might haf achieved wat u wanted but somehow u will lost something which u din realise... for me, i think i will never dare to expect wat i wanna haf anymore but to be frank, i think i led a meaningful life... i once achieved wat i wanted but i lost them all in a moment of folly... well, humans only know how to treasure things when they are gone, sad case... for wat im speaking now, i guess its the GOD's message to tell u all to cherish wat u all haf got now... wat u haf today, u might not haf tomorrow... if u feel u are poor ; money dun hold the world... if u feel betrayed, love everyone like u haf never love before though they might haf back-stabbed u before... let love filled the air, by then u will understand wat true life is all about... enjoy wat u haf now coz life is just a journey, make this trip a fruitful one... love all of u who read this~~
today, i specially miss someone whom i never expected i will miss so badly again... its has been a long time since i ever feel this way, was a good feeling sometimes though... might just be a short smoking session, u will never feel & understand my remorse and regrets... time wun come back but i'll love u always~~
poor ME, in search of the impossible time machine...
-22.02.07
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Moving On
i cant really remember when was the last time i had a tight sleep... i cant forget this dream of romance, well, not wet dream i had the day before... opening my eyes & to realise everything was nothing but another mistake of my life...
January, 2001, i finally ORD after being " tortured " in 1SIR... at that point of time, i just wanna make more money to make ends meet coz my beloved mum had a bad stroke... immediately, straight after army, i turned illegally ; i was a loanshark, so-called " ah-long's ", runner... work arent simple but i managed to make my first 10k in my early twenties ; since then my life changed... i begun thinking about working smart instead of working hard, constantly reminding myself, " dun slog like a bull, use yr brains & money comes in easy, dammit..." of course, down the roads, many things happened, trivals, majors, i cant remember it all... but no matter how bad things become, she was always by my side, supporting & encouraging... i promised her i will marry her when i earned my 1st 50k... but nothing goes so perfectly well...
blinded by temptations again & again... finally things happened, we end our 7years+ relationship at her workplace's carpark ; this was a sence i would never forget all my life, especially the deep lost feeling inside me ; i know i would never have this feeling ever again ; its all over...
i was drowned in alcoholic since then, i never stop drinking & drinking... total spending was about 28k if i didnt remember wrongly... & i finally woke up when i was left with only 1k in my pocket... thinking back, its was like yesterday when things happened... the deep remorseful feeling is still here with me, uneraseable, unforgettable...
to be continued...
-09.03.07
January, 2001, i finally ORD after being " tortured " in 1SIR... at that point of time, i just wanna make more money to make ends meet coz my beloved mum had a bad stroke... immediately, straight after army, i turned illegally ; i was a loanshark, so-called " ah-long's ", runner... work arent simple but i managed to make my first 10k in my early twenties ; since then my life changed... i begun thinking about working smart instead of working hard, constantly reminding myself, " dun slog like a bull, use yr brains & money comes in easy, dammit..." of course, down the roads, many things happened, trivals, majors, i cant remember it all... but no matter how bad things become, she was always by my side, supporting & encouraging... i promised her i will marry her when i earned my 1st 50k... but nothing goes so perfectly well...
blinded by temptations again & again... finally things happened, we end our 7years+ relationship at her workplace's carpark ; this was a sence i would never forget all my life, especially the deep lost feeling inside me ; i know i would never have this feeling ever again ; its all over...
i was drowned in alcoholic since then, i never stop drinking & drinking... total spending was about 28k if i didnt remember wrongly... & i finally woke up when i was left with only 1k in my pocket... thinking back, its was like yesterday when things happened... the deep remorseful feeling is still here with me, uneraseable, unforgettable...
to be continued...
-09.03.07
CNY
it wasnt too difficult to get pass the 1st day of lunar chinese new year... actually was supposed to be a gathering at my aihua jie's house as well as a house warming... glad i wasnt there coz my ah ma say there was such a big crowd that maybe i wouldnt even haf a place for my poor wheelchair... =)
woke up late at 3pm +, which is unusal for someone to be sleeping on this big day... the house was empty then, haf a smoke as usual then help myself to a slow bath... as soon as im done, alex delivered the food for me... was somethin different from normal & i pretty open up my appetite... soon haf my kampong frenz to come up to visit me... i knew they were bored, but im sorry guys, i duno wat i can do to cheer u all up... but i greatly appreciated the tots for visiting me, thanks alot~~
as usual couldnt get to sleep, so help myself to a cup of nissin noodles, and hopefully after i eaten, sweet dreams flow in...
Thanks God for taking away my fever, for allowing me to experience CNY back at home rather than in the hospital... *still hafin FAITH*
-18.02.07
CNY day2
did purposely sleep & sleep, wanting to wake up only when all my relatives went back... many walked in & out of the room asking what time i will be waking up... there was no other alternatives, forcing to wake up like 1930hrs... the house was already packed with all of them + those regular gamblers made up of ben's frenz... soon after, i bathed, i had my dinner, stil thinking how am i going to face the huge crowd... glad that all of them still approached me & greeted me gong xi fa cai, =)... soon after, i dressed up and was on my way to dajie's house, thanks to stephanie & sherwin for forcing me there, if not i really wouldnt noe how to face the people back at home... not too bad there, we played blackjack as usual, then mahjong... its not about winning each others' money, its the joys im after that nite, party ended about 430hrs, & thanks to jason for sending us all home... though i cant get up & jump around with them, this lunar day 2 is definitely better than of last year...
well, i saw my mum, happily gambling away, & i was happy that she enjoyed herself throughout the nite... " mummy, " xin nian kuai ler..."
-19-02-07
well, i saw my mum, happily gambling away, & i was happy that she enjoyed herself throughout the nite... " mummy, " xin nian kuai ler..."
-19-02-07
revival
was back from another medical appointment @ sgh ; sad to say, i needed another operation from the bad sore on my back... doc say i might need another 3 weeks in the hospital... *sigh* HEY, thanks to yongteck & kieth for the trouble to accompany me there... xie2
pretty restless but still in a pretty good mood though i din sleep well trying to solve the " unbelievable " SODUKU wif xiaoyun... anyway, xiaoyun is my maple buddy, be honoured u are in my blog, =D
its has been some times since i last saw so many people in my house coz i was always sleeping ; trying to hide myself in the total darkness when i closed my eyes... was happy to see " ah pootz" today, she is growing, cuter as day goes by...
wanting to catch a wink earlier but the dota game is so addictive...
wasnt really too irritated by my sis coz she kept asking me to eat this & that, popping me with questions & questions... till she showed mi a video clip she took of my mum back @ home... my mood suddenly swinged & i threw her outta the room... memories flow in... i was sad & yes i cried, i miss my mum very much~ on the other hand, i being like that, i duno how to face her everytime she visited me... im a total failure... i guessed this life, i let the whole world down again... when can i be back home again??
i just cant stop my fucking tears till now...
horoscope says " Sagittarius loves freedom ", indeed its true, but i can only be as free as a bird at home...
-09.02.07
pretty restless but still in a pretty good mood though i din sleep well trying to solve the " unbelievable " SODUKU wif xiaoyun... anyway, xiaoyun is my maple buddy, be honoured u are in my blog, =D
its has been some times since i last saw so many people in my house coz i was always sleeping ; trying to hide myself in the total darkness when i closed my eyes... was happy to see " ah pootz" today, she is growing, cuter as day goes by...
wanting to catch a wink earlier but the dota game is so addictive...
wasnt really too irritated by my sis coz she kept asking me to eat this & that, popping me with questions & questions... till she showed mi a video clip she took of my mum back @ home... my mood suddenly swinged & i threw her outta the room... memories flow in... i was sad & yes i cried, i miss my mum very much~ on the other hand, i being like that, i duno how to face her everytime she visited me... im a total failure... i guessed this life, i let the whole world down again... when can i be back home again??
i just cant stop my fucking tears till now...
horoscope says " Sagittarius loves freedom ", indeed its true, but i can only be as free as a bird at home...
-09.02.07
2007
Welcome, 2007...
was a different countdown at bishan beer garden this year for the new year...
thanks to keith n gibson for pushing me down all the way to the beer garden... and thanks to many people who came late, but were here with me on this special day... they are heng & adeline, alex (my dearest bro), kieth & cindy, yongteck, benny, chubing, vincent & victoria, junxing, jeremy, darren, weilong, ivan... din expect such a big crowd actually... did i miss out anyone??
as usual, i help myself to the drinks, was a great nite though i can only sit there to enjoy my favourite R&B songs... & i can only play pool wif gibson wif only 1 hand, " Sux ", i lost the game... BOOOoo...
at this point when i feel different, i also feel that everyone is growing up ; every one of them haf their own dreams... im happy coz i treat everyone of them like my own brothers ; & its like im watching all of them growing up... & im glad that everyone of them still respected me though im in this state now... thanks alot~
everything was going on fine until a little argument broke up against the other group of indians sitting across us... i feel kinda useless coz im of no help... but thanks GOD no fights broke out & no one was hurt... credits to those who try cleared up the misunderstandings...
anyway, new year new resolutions... i juz wanna be happy n strong no matter wat my outcome will be, i just want family & frens around me to be happier, healthier... & do rem me when im gone...
-03.01.07
was a different countdown at bishan beer garden this year for the new year...
thanks to keith n gibson for pushing me down all the way to the beer garden... and thanks to many people who came late, but were here with me on this special day... they are heng & adeline, alex (my dearest bro), kieth & cindy, yongteck, benny, chubing, vincent & victoria, junxing, jeremy, darren, weilong, ivan... din expect such a big crowd actually... did i miss out anyone??
as usual, i help myself to the drinks, was a great nite though i can only sit there to enjoy my favourite R&B songs... & i can only play pool wif gibson wif only 1 hand, " Sux ", i lost the game... BOOOoo...
at this point when i feel different, i also feel that everyone is growing up ; every one of them haf their own dreams... im happy coz i treat everyone of them like my own brothers ; & its like im watching all of them growing up... & im glad that everyone of them still respected me though im in this state now... thanks alot~
everything was going on fine until a little argument broke up against the other group of indians sitting across us... i feel kinda useless coz im of no help... but thanks GOD no fights broke out & no one was hurt... credits to those who try cleared up the misunderstandings...
anyway, new year new resolutions... i juz wanna be happy n strong no matter wat my outcome will be, i just want family & frens around me to be happier, healthier... & do rem me when im gone...
-03.01.07
Endless
i finally feel that im leading a different kind of life now, things happened & all of us are growing, trying to adapt to all different things which seems so familiar to me in this world... well, some said " life's just a journey, " but im still pondering over why my life is still this hard... its real tough but im happy that i got some really good frenz & family members all around mi... im feelin lost sometimes ; i do things which i haf never done, & i stop all things which i used to do... wat i see isn't wat i saw, wat i haf ; im afraid i might not haf it tomorrow... i haf lost the love of my life, i haf tasted the toughest life of my own... wat exactly GOD needs me to do? wats my purpose in life? am i still living in the past? or shall i move on ahead? wat happened after death? so wat if i move on?
Release me, END MY JOURNEY, GOD, BRING me wif U... though i haf lived through the sweetest days, i still find relationship a waste of time, perhaps we should just haf some memories instead... DO remember me...
Lookin forward to Valentine's Day... >> Hatred
-23.01.07
Release me, END MY JOURNEY, GOD, BRING me wif U... though i haf lived through the sweetest days, i still find relationship a waste of time, perhaps we should just haf some memories instead... DO remember me...
Lookin forward to Valentine's Day... >> Hatred
-23.01.07
X'mas
hi, Merry X'mas to everyone...
din really go for celebration actually, coz i think all my frenz are too busy that they might haf forgotten abt mi... this year was special, i celebrate wif alot of people in my games, we count down together... =)
surely i missed my last year x'mas with all my frenz, now im gonna miss new year celebration again... in fact, im not sad, im happy as long as everyone around me is...
this year i din see a single x'mas tree in sight, pretty sad, but i hope i can make it till next year... thanks to a little singing opera just opposite my house, it makes me feel like its a special day...
& a special congrats to Kelvin & wife who get married on the eve... i saw u both on tv!!!~~~ jiayou!
hope everybody haf their dreams come true this special season... i will haf mine come true soon...
THANKS MUM & SISTER FOR MAKING ME MY FAVOURITE SPAGHETTI, FRIED DRUM STICKS & BOH BOH CHAR CHAR... & the short testi my Alex haf written me... was the best gifts i haf for x'mas i think...
Awaiting New Year 2007...
-25.12.06
Again ; & Again...
Right now, i need someone to talk to ; to be by my side...
i wanna go somewhere i duno...
im tired of my life... how long more things haf to go on ; i'm wondering... can i haf some reactions??
-27.10.06
i wanna go somewhere i duno...
im tired of my life... how long more things haf to go on ; i'm wondering... can i haf some reactions??
-27.10.06
birthdae
its has been some times since i last blog...
Happy Birthday~~
Indeed, this year haf been a special year for me... u dun see running lights around, chivas, martell, everywhere asking u to " TA TA, BO TA BO LAN PA... " of course, i hope that every year haf been the same...
Firstly, wanna thx my aunties, uncles, my cousins & my ah ma who insisted on getting a cake for me... beside tat, they cooked delicious home dishes which i have not eaten for a very long time... & thx to all my bros who organised a " marina south, bbq buffet " for me... im sorry that i have to leave early ; sad to say, im not like last time, physically my body cannot take it... & im surprised to see tingli's family there, thx for the blessing angbao...
in fact, did prepare a speech to tell everyone how fortunate i have being with them around.. but.time was running short & some of them haf to leave early as well...
anyway, i thought i will be alone on my big day but thx to all this wonderful people in my life...
" because of u terrific people, though its painful ; i will walk abit more... "
People at marina :
willie, justin, keith & gf, heng & adeline, gary & ruiping, fangjie, dajie & bryan, grace, & all my lovely presents...
-03.12.06
Mid_Autumm
happy mooncake festival...
as usual... i made my way to bishan park; a place where i never missed out on this day... firstly, i wanna thx my si-gu, my dear cousin ben, for forcing mi to go... i guess its fated for my com to break down at this dae for mi to go out to realise some of the things on this special dae...
was only a 5-8mins walk from my house to bishan park but this time, we took 15-20mins... its was a long way down... i almost fall on the road BUT even if i do, i feel its still worth the trip down to this lovely park...
the atmosphere was great, as usual, kids shouting n lanterns on trees, fire everywhere; smoke everywhere... & i did see a few other people like me which i never notice in the past... was i blind in the past? this special year, was the only year which i din even touch a spark wif the crowds... how i wish i was the one picking up dried leaves & branches to get the fire burning... how i wish i was the one getting opposite the petrol station to buy drinks... yes, it was a totally different feel; its was a feel of joys & sadness... a type of special feel all pple around me would not understand... memories of this special day flow in...
" GOD, i really miss the times when i can walk... "
now i lost the feeling totally... i duno even know how it is like to squat down; how painful is an ant's bite to my toes... NO, i did not shed any tears todae, coz it was really a joyous occassion; no one should share my sorrow...
These are the people around to help me : si-gu, benji, kenneth, christine & binghui, pearline, cousin tianlai wif baby, Faith, san-gu & jeremy & ah mei...
U PEOPLE ARE REALLY GREAT!~
& i wanna thank er-gu for bringing me the mooncake...
the moon this year still as round; the people this year still as they are; only a special me... Give me a hug , someone...
ben, thank for the invitation to yr bbq, i dun wanna be a burden for u guys to bring mi here & there, i wan U haf a great time wif yr frenz... thank for bringin me the bbq food... its was really appreciated, thank to u, kenneth too...
-07.10.06
as usual... i made my way to bishan park; a place where i never missed out on this day... firstly, i wanna thx my si-gu, my dear cousin ben, for forcing mi to go... i guess its fated for my com to break down at this dae for mi to go out to realise some of the things on this special dae...
was only a 5-8mins walk from my house to bishan park but this time, we took 15-20mins... its was a long way down... i almost fall on the road BUT even if i do, i feel its still worth the trip down to this lovely park...
the atmosphere was great, as usual, kids shouting n lanterns on trees, fire everywhere; smoke everywhere... & i did see a few other people like me which i never notice in the past... was i blind in the past? this special year, was the only year which i din even touch a spark wif the crowds... how i wish i was the one picking up dried leaves & branches to get the fire burning... how i wish i was the one getting opposite the petrol station to buy drinks... yes, it was a totally different feel; its was a feel of joys & sadness... a type of special feel all pple around me would not understand... memories of this special day flow in...
" GOD, i really miss the times when i can walk... "
now i lost the feeling totally... i duno even know how it is like to squat down; how painful is an ant's bite to my toes... NO, i did not shed any tears todae, coz it was really a joyous occassion; no one should share my sorrow...
These are the people around to help me : si-gu, benji, kenneth, christine & binghui, pearline, cousin tianlai wif baby, Faith, san-gu & jeremy & ah mei...
U PEOPLE ARE REALLY GREAT!~
& i wanna thank er-gu for bringing me the mooncake...
the moon this year still as round; the people this year still as they are; only a special me... Give me a hug , someone...
ben, thank for the invitation to yr bbq, i dun wanna be a burden for u guys to bring mi here & there, i wan U haf a great time wif yr frenz... thank for bringin me the bbq food... its was really appreciated, thank to u, kenneth too...
-07.10.06
Thanks
i brought out my courage, i attended Stephanie's birthday party at ntuc chalet... was pretty worried how things will go ; how people would look at me... dun wanna be the limelight of the crowd...
thanks to heng for his persuasion & efforts again to drive me down... i saw many people there, some whom i din even see after like few years... some whom i tot i juz saw them like yesterday during my clubbing nites... every1 was concern about mi but i guess they din talk much coz they din noe wat to say to make me feel better... thoughts was really appreciated, frenz... i cant say i really enjoyed myself but im really hapi that i plucked myself from my room and went to such a celebration after copin myself in the room after half a year ; was the furthest place i went since i was discharged from the hospital... i really wanna thank all the people who bring me joys for the nite, even juz a short conversation to ease my tension for the nite... u guys are great!!! xie2~~
Happy Birthdae, Stephaine... May all yr wishes come true!!~
Wedding bells ringing soon??
-01.10.06
Upon Myself
yes, i didn't treasure my life after what had happened in my family... im a total letdown... i'm sorry that i troubled all my friends to bring me around for SGH appointments & treatments... & even the slightest things to buy food for me, etc... can't even wash my own plates or pour my own drinks... im a burden to everyone... i can't even have a proper mahjong session with my uncles & aunties... i made everyone worried, i made everyone sad...
yes i cried... in the darkest night in my room... when i was alone in the bathroom... well well... what can be helped?? i can only depend on myself... i have to be independent... how life will be if things can turn back?? but i know time machine don't appear in realistic life... there shouldnt be any regrets, i brought things upon myself... i deserved what's happening... so who will be around to share what im going through?? ANS : NO ONE...
im glad family & relatives still stand by me, thanks to all my friends and brothers who motivated my life even by just a simple sms, call or even just a friendster testi... for awhile, i just hope u guys be around till i get independent... please be patient with me for another while, i will do what i ought to do... thanks alots!~~
-12.09.06
Let's get started...
i duno where to begin...im finally back home after 114days of vacation... can i say its so nice to be back home?? so much attention on me the moment i got home... all my relatives & frenz were all around me... i can feel the care & concern i never feel before all my life... there are people to help me carry my luggages, take off my shoes & socks... do i sound like an king?? furthermore, there are nice food ; new modifications in the home ; new bed ; tv & com in the room... wats more, there is a new car as a gift from the hospital... yes, its a wheelchair...
16/03/06, 08:42, 67061172780...
officially admission timing into SGH... i was involved in a terrible accident at Hill St... i collided into a taxi...
U are the 1st one i've thought of...
I been missing U all this while...
I'm wondering where U when i needed U...
This is a sad ending...
i injured my spine... i din noe how long later i was operated, i was in a totally helpless condition for days... soon after operation, i was in ICU... was in ward 76 for 3 weeks & soon transfer to ward 64, the rehabilation ward...
this is the ward where u find the best group of nurses in the whole of singapore...
<xiaoyu_goldfish> juz look at her eyes, u will know she is the committed type who work long hours ; not sleeping...
<minto_peter> sisterly like...
<sandra_bastos> she can make nice Milo...
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