once again

4th time... knn, i fell again~~ ccb!~!~!
not seh, not tired, nothing, i fell... zzzz!!
was an usual td nite, came back, eaten & try to transfer myself to bed... before i yet to do a full transfer, LIM KAH CHUAN, u knn shifted away my BMW when my ass was half in the air... & pop pop, knn i was on the ground~~ startled in the darkness, then i feel so tired outta sudden, cb... this very moment i know i couldnt get up.. liao liao~~ vividly i remember it was only 6am, zzz... i think i only got the energy to sit there & rest, boo boo!!~~ & well well, within 10 mins, this ass has fallen asleep, knn~~ YES, sleep so soundly ; imagine the soundly mouth ; abit tutu type, knn, snoring some more, zzz lo, & treated me a LOUD fart, pcb... BWG (Bo Wei Gong) anyway its till 2pm that i managed to throw myself up onto bed again.. *hush hush*
at least for now i feel gals are something ; they are pigs ; they like to sleep...
looking forward to the 5th time ; i wonder where it will be...

sorry

good times are gone & now it has been a struggle for me ; for a long time... was like everyday, things kept happening & happening ; totally losing control in whatever im trying to do... cant find my objective in life ; not even in games... has become the unusal me... is everything meant to be an end? am i supposed to keep trying? i know & i finally realised that everyone around me is striving real hard but im just degrading my life further... constantly asking myself wat am i asking for after so much had happened... nothing seems to be going well over the months... for i may look calm but wat had happened to me, it seems like im dragging everyone around me down... i need to apologise for all these shyt i got them into... im so tired, so shag but cant get a wink ; minds totally cannot shut down... eyes with tears but u wont see them ; heart full of sadness but u wont feel it ; smiles are broad but arent genuine... living in a total darkness...

Forever

getting sick of hearing anyone telling u, " i will love you forever... " well, well, wats the exact definations of it? does holding tight to my hand when i needed u badly means forever? or no matter which land we would be, the unchanged love means forever? & when Rose released her shivering hand off Jack after the Titanic sank, did she mean forever? so how much did u all know about this 7 letters word F O R E V E R? & if there is true meanings & doings in this word, why are there unfaithfulness, betrayals?




To Be Continued...

coughhh >>> death

many people have told me that they don't think they could "stand to live" if they needed a wheelchair like me...
in my early twenties, sharing experiences with disabled friends, i finally learned how to recognize & constructively resist discrimination. the connection and insights we shared gave me a new lens through which to view my life. most importantly, i learned to look more clearly at the ways i had internalized the stigma & shame of disability, & began the lifelong struggle to undo the damage done by growing up in isolation from a true sense of community and mutual respect...
but today i have a different mindset ; i cant sleep ; coughing terribly bad for 3 weeks already ; with flu & a left side lung pain... wats more a toothache... its like a total disability of the use of my left upper limbs ; sharp pain every moment i cough, damn sucky... it affected my sleep, whenever i start to lie down, i cough non-stop... have taken all the medicine, applied all the ointment, no effect at all... & guess sitting down was the only way to cough lesser...
all these sucky thingy did not stop me on a TD nite though, with dajie & grace, i'm happy to see u people again... i recalled the times we used to club at devils, those drunkard days... was like back to the same old days ; fun & memorable... 2 years+ have passed, things was like yesterday... i missed those unforgettable DAYS...
i think i'm dying soon ; deathgod is on the way... u all like kali kuey? be on the dot then... see ya next life all my beloved frenz...

U

i think u are terrific ; definitely a trustworthy & responsible frenz for anyone to rely on... a shoulder for anyone who needs it to lay on ; a good listener, a good advisor... u are charming in your own speciaL ways, u looks like a superstar sometimes, well... some people says u are cute... u are most handsome looking when u starts to get serious... delicated smile & attractive stares, u look great ; almost to perfection... u are smart ; i can say smarter than anyone ; clever, intelligent... u are full of loves, lovely, Lovable by all... SuAvY, cool, u are definately an ATTRACTION... u are really kind... u cares, u shares, u are a great motivation in life...
did i miss out any colours?

hey its u, zEnny , its U im talking about...

mao

hello~~ its me again... coughin like mad, but never take me much time to blog this... hohoho, how nice it was to be blogging at a tipsy mode... wah damn, i drink quite abit but i duno y im pretty sober... got 1 cb kia, cant drink ; puke near n then pour drinks over my bermuda... abit ZZzzz, rite? knn, sibei tulan... was fun tonite, not thinkin abt any shyt ; hapi mak mak, hohoho... eh, kuku gary, ann, teo, cp, jeff, thx for the nite, haha, i bet u guys din feel too gd also, wakakkaka.... ok, i go rest liao, tml i need to do 4d.. gdnite, muacks mak mak, CB ann, u knn, joob mi many many times, knn, there will be a pay back time... " Fun Dee... "

" 是我 "

" 是我， 你还好吗? "


我试了，但做不到，我用尽所有的时间 ； 用工作来困顿自己，用香烟来迷幻自己，用酒精来麻
醉自己， 甚至用死亡来威胁自己。。。我用尽办法， 可你依然死死地刻在我心里， 让我再爱你吧。。。

(但我知道你有爱人了)




还记得我们初次见面的地方吗? 我们是曾经彼此相爱， 那是段快乐充满回忆的日子。可爱情是这世界上最坚贞也最不可靠的东西。时间过了， 爱情淡了， 相爱的人也就散了。若是缘尽也硬要牵扯，原本的美好，就会便成结束， 属于变成个你我都困在其中的牢笼， 会无法呼吸， 你舍得看到我不自由吗?



( 其实我明白。。。" 那你自己保重 ； 生病时记得吃药 ； 记得多吃一点，你就是太瘦， 其他的没什么，就是放心不下你的身体。他欺负你记得告诉我。" )

最后， 能让我在吻你一下吗? 爱恨消失前， 用手温暖你的脸， 为了证明我真心爱过你

我要走了，我自己也不知道， 去一个我自己也很陌生的地方。" 记得有人说， 通往心脏的血脉是无命名指上， 我多想在今生， 尽所有， 牢牢地住你的无明指。" 你是个好人， 是个好恋人，是个好女人， 可奈何， 造物弄人， 离开你， 我真的不知道， 是幸福的开始还是终结， 也许你太在意自己的感觉了吧。

真的对不起， 有些事我已经做了， 但不会后悔， 有些承诺， 也只能用下辈子来履行了。 今生，天注定， 我爱的很苦， 但愿来世，我会是个洒脱的诗人。
" 答应我，下辈子别改名字， 那样，我找你容易些。 "

我感觉自己变得很轻，离开了地面， 飘荡在空中， 我飞到她的窗前， 她在， 她竟然在冲着我笑， 她的笑脸依然灿烂美丽， 我挥手， 但她全无感觉。
我踏上奈何桥，手握着那碗孟婆汤， 在就要忘记前世的前时， 我默默的说 : " 好好的活， 在这个空间， 我， 会为你祝福。。。 "

梦会醒， 情会灭
原来时间真的会消磨两个人的激情!
为什么你选择要放手?
为什么你选择离开?
不是说要一辈子在一起的吗?
难道我真得不值得你再为我守候了吗?

g a l s

commonly said, gals are like clothes ; change them daily... but i got some very interesting phrases though ;
gals are like tibits ; when u feel like eating, u take them out ; when u dun, keep them in a container...
gals are like money ; spend them when u have it ; save as much as u can...
gals are like tissues ; make full use of it ; wipe n throw...
gals are like vending machine ; insert money and they are yours...
gals are like working tools ; make use them at the right time, & expend if u haf to...
gals are like public buses ; anyone can wave to get in ; alight anytime...
gals are like stars in the sky ; everyone looks the same ; no one is special...
gals are like cigarettes, smelly but addictive...
gals are like disposable underwears ; change them when they turned sour...
gals are like chewing gums ; spit them away when the sweetness is gone...
gals are like toys ; fun to play with...
gals are like soccer balls ; kick around with your friends...
gals are like bak kut teh ; chew the meat & throw the bone...
gals are like dustbins ; all are the same...
gals are like village bicycles ; anyone feel free to ride...
well... to me, gals are never anything anymore...

Just pretend you pity me

If you ask me how much i love you, Count every piece of sand from the sea,
Each breath that i take... is how much i miss you.
If you asked how painful it would be, if u loved someone else one day...
then try to count every drop of rain ; those are the tears from my heart.
I just want you to know, i just want you to see... before you hurt me more,
because you are the one i have in this world, that's why i can't lose you.
If you want to hit me... go ahead. But please don't walk away from me.
Just pretend that you pity me, Don't punish me by leaving...
You can ask me how often as you'd like... I'm still goning to tell you the same thing.
The sky changes colour everyday, But i will never change my mind.
I just want u to know, i just want you to see... before you hurt me more,
because you are the one i have in this world, that's why i can't lose you.
If you want to hit me... go ahead. But please don't walk away from me.

-18.05.08

隐形

感觉有但它不在 ；看的到但触摸不到 ；拥有过但已完全失去 ； 想占有但已不在可能了。。。一切虽近但真的真的很遥远。。。
人的一生就是这样，原本以为一切十全十美，但终究是个相反。想争取的，你一定得不到 ；不想要的事物 ；却件件的发生。。。你曾经有做过那些令你非常非后悔的事件吧?
好的回忆值得一一回味 ； 但伤心的过去你一定不会忘记。。。回忆终究是回忆 ； 一切已随风而去。。。你是否回想起甚么呢?
我有个很想见的人 ； 但她已 " 不在 " 了。。。
最完美的故事应该就在梦里吧。。。

-27.03.08

numbyy

days passed & passed, another new year starts, u never know when u will start to get tired of things, juz like me... im tired sitting, tired doing the same old shits everyday; tired of games, tired of eating & im even tired of sleeping...
how i missed those times when everyday of my life was packed wif schedules... but now i couldnt even get my hands on those, & i couldnt even make my close ones stay... am i asking for too much or juz let nature take its course? shall i try again or juz let things be wat it was... i really duno wat else can bring me through all these... everything haf to be forgotten ; bygones are bygones...
sadded but always smiling... " in search of the lost time... "

-10.02.08

寂寞

人, 都是孤独一个活在这个世界上, 这点我知道。。。
但是。。。我的孤独, 应该是一种更孤独的孤独吧。。。

-14.03.08

@@

i duno wat got into me... its a " on my own " feeling yet again... its like i get to know lesser & lesser of myself ; lesser & lesser of U...
simi chinese new year ; everyone so happy... look into my eyes, am i? i guess they showed saddness, remorse & great tensions... its like never before, the person u are looking for is not around ; the happy-go-lucky zEnny is not here anymore...

-05.02.08

prison break

the same old damn mood swing again ; bored, lonely... lazy to bath ; lazy to eat ; lazy to talk to anyone... simply juz like a prisoner at home...
still dun understand wat faith im holding... work screwed ; limited entertainment, wat is there left for me to do... eat, sleep, games, dvds, wat else? feeling like shit right now, fantasizing about the pasts... would it be better if im blind? or rather if i lost all my past memories?

-18.12.07

UpsDowns

its never easy to come this far... everything seems so natural now... another year coming up, been asking myself if im living for the better... why did i strive to build bonds between people? yet leechers & betrayers come in... why did i ask so much about $? yet I'm not even making the best outta every cent...why didnt i juz relax n let time pass? or rather juz end my life, everything could haf reached a stop... be in heaven or in hell ; would it be another new life, total strangers to me?
i always feel there is reasons for me to do things that im doing now... like wat GOD wants me to be wat i am now... but wat really lies behind the definition of everything?
" i know time wun go back to where it was, so i try to make up for the lost time, to all my love ones ; to those whom haf been visible around me yet unnoticeable... " i wanna make people around me happy & if u think u already were, i wanna make U happier... coz i know i really haf not much time left & i hope occasionally, i will be thought of, tats all im asking...
well, but sometimes in life we dun even deserve a second chance... a mistake made once will be engraved deeply & no matter how hard u tried, it will never be erased... i guess i should be categorise here ba... coz no one gonna believe & trust me anymore ; like a leopard never change its spots, for i think i haf told the biggest n baddest lie in this world...
anyway, im looking forward to year'09, hope its another motivating year for me...
May the LORD answer you when you are in distress ; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
(Psalm 20) this is wat i feel the GOD is telling me right now...

-04.02.08